Tuesday, June 21, 2005

uneasy lies the head that wore the crown

ahhh well never thought id actually have ma own blog but then tht was the case when we came across internet...when msn messenger came along as a social breakthrough software or whtever...n then there was orkut to make sure tht the whole world knew the lil intricasies of ure life so tht u lay bare...n now this...
neve thought id actually share ma blogs with the rest of the world but here goes ma feeble attempts to communicate with maself though everytime i try interactin with ma mind there is a fatal failure of a kind i know not bout or ought to be ma mind playin dirty tricks on me...
hmmmmm im glimpsing back on the time long gone...there i was a child...innocent and how i was indulged in this world n then came i...a teenager who did quite a few crazy things cos like all others i wanted to fit in though i cant say i was very adept at doin so...
all this time i wanted to write...to record whtever i went through every day of ma life...yet i couldnt cos i was always too lazy to begin with n the idea of sharin ma literature as shabby as it maybe with another human being was a foolish notion cos this was me...i was writin maself in these pages tryin to come across some sorta pattern which would assuage ma fears regardin who i am...
lets glimpse back at yesterday...
well to tell u the absolute truth ive always had a power family...the kinda family which revolves around individuals which in ma case happen to be five...n we know tht there aint neone out there for us...tht can be a scary notion when ure a kid with absolutely no energies n when u feeel so helpless...when all the scariest notions come alive at night when u lie in bed...
but ma house aint ma home...i feeeel so uneasy everytime i head back home n i guess i know wht it ought to be like for prisoners of war when they were in those camps after the world wars...away from home...away from ure beloved ones...all ma life i sought love...n i guess ii failed miserably cos the very ppl whom i entrusted maself to thought tht i was a hoodlum who would one day runaway from this nest n turn ma back on em...tht sucked...cos seeee when u love someone naturally the expectations of a relationship can get to you or neone for tht matter...
ive always been the bad sheep the trouble child whos always let ma parents down n i guesss im still tht way...guess reputations dont even die hard though habits do...
so theres ma dad whos the epi center of ma life whos the one person i always turn to n the person whos ma idol or hes come closest to bein one though he has tht mortal side which can get the better of him when he addresses me like a fuckin trash collector or some sudras...when i was growin up i wanted a dad who would indulge me...who would be there to share all the lil secrets of life...who would not only provide materialistically for me but would also respect me for who i was...guess i always let him down...ma bad ma bad...good term whenever ure in a tricky situation...
then theres ma mom whos a doctor n yet shes neve been there for me...as a kid i always loooked upto kids who had their lunch boxes prepared by their moms who brought all kinds of scrumptuous meals...ohhh how i could have done nething to have snacks like theirs...well i neve did...fell prey to foul food for ma entire life...ought to be a curse...thanks to ma great great great pig stealin good for nothing grandfather.nething to calm me down.So ma mom says tht im some criminal who will be punished for ma sins in this world n the hereafter...well im waitin for ma Creator to just take me back from where i came...
imagine when the only thing u say to ure mom is the days greetin when u woke up n even then u arent even replied to...now i know wht the kids in the orphanage go thruuuu...
yesterday was like every other day a sucky day where ma dad wanted a confrontation n i wasnt in a mood so to punish me he took ma car knowin tht i had a class n he couldnt fuckin care less whether i attended it or was sleeepin ma way thruuu life...
thus i naturally took ma moms car though tht was a confrontation still in its own classs...
so when i got back home i got glares n they treated me as if i had committed zina n was bout to be stoned to death...n to think all i did was to go to lums n come back to ma fuckin HOME. wish i would have done more than attend ma classs...guess i can imagine why ppl do drugs n indulge emselves...cos u have to escape to another level...where u are freeee n happy n as freee as a bird something u cant do in ure daily sucky lives...
naturally ma mom wanted the keys of the house n mulish as i am i refused which is the first instinct of a stubborn ass...well i am one...but wht sucked was tht ma mom doesnt talk to me for like two weeks n when she does shes askin for the fuckin keys...talk bout mechanized lives...n then ma ever domineering n protective dad came over n he forbade me to not address ma mom like tht n in the process i picked up a fight with the two of emmm...n guesss there i was bein threatened with dire consequences but i dont care nemore cos i dont have nething to look forward to...to top it offf was Zahra...i gave her nething a gurl could ask of her guy...i was there for her...n in the end she just left cos she couldnt ever tell her parents tht she had been cheatin behind their backs...ma bad ma bad for bein so fuckin naive...
n tht was tht i was supposed to have a midterm today but who cared wht the fuck became of me..for all i know ive always have had confrontations right before ma exams...guess they love screwin me over...n there i was sittin there hapless not knowin whether to laugh or cry so i did both of em just in case...
n tht was yesterday...

1 comment:

skittles said...

u r not the only one....tats all i cn say...